The most recent pictures.

Tiny Improvements.

I haven't written for ages.

During my absence I have had a trip to Scotland. Got an Loan and increased my overdraft. The Fashion Faces book had been released and I have received it.

Scotland was good. I finally got to see where my sister lives. She lives on a small farm in a cottage. She has a little garden and then there are rolling Fields. The weather was not too bad. The start of autumn. My sisters girlfriend was down for the weekend too and I after a drink told her that Lesbians and gays should be on medication for life but then failed to mention that I guess the reason why they aren't is because they aren't a harm to anybody. I am homophobic but like gays I have a right to be who I am. I cut both of their hairs considering it has been a while since I did anybodies hair. I did take photo's and may use one of them for advertising. I will get Peter to post a page of advertising on his T.V screen while he has DJ gigs. They pictures and my models aren't going to be of the same quality as top hairdressing firms but I kinda like that it will be a reflection on normal everyday people. I managed to use the bus, train and tube without any panic attacks. On the way back because of the drink the night before my emotions were on edge and children making too much noise annoyed me and also busy bodies with blinkers on once I got to London also p'ed me off. So a little anxious anger going on. However I am well proud I made this achievement.

The loan I got out because I could. I have bought a set of Kamisori scissors which comprise of a pair of normal scissors, thinning scissors and a razor. They are made of cobalt steal, have convex edges and are coated with titanium. The titanium is black. They also have red gems in the screw mechanism. They have a crane handle. I like them. I also booked myself on that course I mentioned I wanted to go on. I haven't had anything to do with Mahogany for many years. To the average joe Mahogany means nothing but to people who are anything in the hairdressing industry they are a cutting edge hairdressing firm. The course is in December. I then decided to buy a duplicate pair of the scissor set in case of the need to have them sharpened. I then bought a pair of Notching shears from Kamisori and again a duplicate of those should they need sharpening. The notching scissors are not of great quality as they are only made of stainless steal. They are offset though. I may go back and buy the pair that are a star above, the ones that are made of cobalt. That would leave me with many pair of scissors. I do have a pair of Jowells and Matsuzaki's both 5" if anybody is interested in buying them second hand. The Matsuzaki's have hardly been used. They had a finger rest that protrude far into the handle and hurt! I customised them and put in a shorter screwed finger rest and screwed it in. I used special metal glue to keep lock it in. I have searched for it's box but can't find it. So I am in debt big time now maybe I need to start working harder to get this business back on ground.

The Fashion Faces book is amazing. So detailed and a hell of a lot more concise. I haven't done much drawing of late but I did do a couple of pictures of faces of face models drawing from a magazine. They didn't come out too bad. From this new book I know that there is a way to get much much better results.

Noses are hard.

This is another exercise I have done, above. Again it is just tracing photographic images. I found the noses looked a bit odd to me and so thought them hard to do. However looking at the images above they do not look too bad and only a few look like an elephants foot which I was trying to avoid.

I went to the doctor again this week. I am sure she is as sick of seeing me as I am having to go. My prolactin levels are too high. In lay mans terms: I have too much milk in my breasts. It's the anti psychotic tablet that I am on that is causing it. This is also the tablet that can cause breast cancer. I have the mammogram done on Monday. I am also to tell the psychiatrist that the prolactin levels are high and lithium too low. I do not really want more lithium and wonder what he will do with the anti psychotic.

Hooray. I made swimming this week once. I actually thoroughly enjoyed it. This time I didn't count how many lengths I did and did some breast stroke as well as crawl. I just love looking at the tiny bubbles people make with their kicks underwater. I also love the way my body moves ever so gently, swaying side to side as I do the crawl.

I am finally talking to my mother now. It has been over two years since we had a decent conversation. I am travelling by train next week to see my sister and it has been even longer since I used a train. I am a bit of a sore plum when it comes to travelling. Panic attacks once stopped me and now I am too lazy to go. A bit of it is that I am lazy to have to deal with a panic attack and the other that I am lazy to do the physical bit of getting to the stations by foot. I am forcing myself to go because I have given up on life but it's so boring not participating. I thought I should join the world again or at least try to. I can always retreat again if I do not like it.

Fashion Faces.

I am half way through an exercise from the book called Nine Heads. This book has a bit on drawing fashion faces. I am still waiting for the book Fashion Faces that deals with a whole lot more on the subject. Here I have traced frontal views of models faces from a magazine. I am to take note of the shading trying to convey the correct level of highlights and lowlights. It is quite difficult to judge naturally for me even though I am pretty good at conveying the depth of somebodies hair colour in hairdressing terms and/but coming to think of it it must be exactly the same as hairdressing. The amount of light and dark in somebodies hair. It's just trying to apply the technique using a pencil. Even tracing hair that goes in all sorts of directions is alot hard than hair that goes in one direction. Not only you have to deal with the lightness but also the directions. Kate if you have an easy way of looking and or seeing at this please let me know. I think it's quit cool how the images have come out on the computer. I have to do four more of these faces by tracing and then I am going to do them with out tracing as I am not sure what the Author actually meant by saying copy ten images. I do not know whether she meant trace or draw by copying. Then I am to draw the eyes, noses, ears and hair separately. Quite a huge exercise. I am a little tired already from doing just these six pictures.

Hermitising.

I have over spent as usual and will have to be paying for overdraft payments. Bummer. I thought I had worked it out and that the Fabell Castel Brush Pens's would only come out of my bank account the day I got my next payment. I was wrong they came out a day early. So instead of paying £94 for them I am guessing it will be almost twice as much. The banks really do know how to stripe you up! I still want to be able to draw Fashion Face Pictures. I have seen may a books that do illustrations of the whole body but nothing emphasising on the face. I was looking through Amason and to my delight somebody has written a book about Face Fashion and it's called just that. It isn't out until the end out the month so I have pre ordered it and can't wait till I can start dabbling in the world of Fashion. I was a bit naughty and bought a book by the same author just to be nosey and see what to expect from her. It's a delight. I have only just looked through the huge book but there is also some pages in reference to fashion faces. I will have a read through today. Imagine having a whole book dedicated to it though. Can't wait.

What is a week with out mentioning my health. I went for a second appointment with the doctor as they suggested for them to have a look at the lump in my left breast. Peter found it one day we were messing around. 'Udders in your face.' I went the next day when Peter told me he felt a lump. The man doctor was a bit shy I think and tried to feel around and said he couldn't feel anything but to come back in a couple of weeks. I left it and almost forgot about when having a feel I realised it was still there so went back a week late. This time with my usual female doctor. She did a full examination and said she definitely found a lump. She asked me all sorts of questions like how long had it been there, family history and unfortunately I gave her false information. In actual fact there is a history in the family. My great grand mother had both breasts removed. I do not know how long the lump has been there so why did I say six weeks? Anyway I am booked in for a mammogram but need to wait for the appointment by post which could take 2 weeks. I have been having morbid thoughts like if I do have the big C that I will refuse treatment because I want to die. Many a reason behind this. I have thought so much about this that I will be disappointed if I do not have it! I am jinxing myself her aren't I?

I will be starting to try and make this blog a bit more pretty by sticking pictures up but right now do not have any to stick up. I also have to learn how to do this.

Almost forsed to write.

Almost forsed to write because I have to stay in all day for Peter seakers to arrive. He buys new speakers every year. He already has four but he says that two are popping. So why is he buying four? I have spent the money he has left to give the dilvery men for their work. I do feel a bit guilty. It was my idea to tip them because when there is such a big dilivery the men never fail to complain. They are going to have to haul four heavy speakers up the stairs. I did it not because I do not have money but the shop down stairs charges £1.75 everytime I want some money. I do not feel like paying that today when I have had £5 in the flat. The men won't know any difference and hoping Peter won't ask about it later this evening. See you can be naugthty when you are an adult just I do not really like being naughty.

I have written a letter to Richard my maids son to explain to him that I can not afford the correspondences course he wants to do just yet. Maybe next year. I have also told him to improve on his English. I hope he takes my advice. He has a lovely way of writing it's just a bit haphazard. The flat is in a state and I really can not be bothered to lift a finger. I got tested for my thyroid. This is a lot earlier than I was supposed to but I haven't been feeling right so I would like to know what's going on now and to be treated now. I haven't been to work but they have been understanding. I hope though I can return not to far into this future.

Peter bought some wheels off Ebay and we had to drive all the way to Hartlepool to collect them. It was one long journey with only enough time to spend the evening in the town. This gave us enough time to try out the local fish and chips shop and to have three drinks in the hotels. We were both tired so went back to our room and had a early night. The bed was really comfortable or was it that it was made so well?I had an amazing dream where I was having a relationship with a olive skinned man with medium length hair. He was a guitarist. I woke up to have Peter lying next to me and coming back to reality that I wasn't the girl I was in the dream. We then had a five minute walk on the beach. It has a wide section of sand but on both sides their is industrial buildings that do not make it the ideal picture. We then headed off to have a look at the seals which a local man told us about the night earlier. Unfortunately we didn't get a very close view of them and had to view them from the bridge on the road. I find it such a shame that in this country nothing is left alone by man. The seals had returned to their spot after the building went up but I take it it took them a while to do so. It does spoil the view.

I have been reading in the paper that this country is the second most populated country in the world. Maybe this is why I spend so much time on my own in doors away from all the people. I have also been getting other peoples ideas on the subject of having children. That they are polluting. I do not think that everybody should not have children but two is enough. there are so many people breeding and there is not enough room. I think I am barren at the moment but have been assured that children are not everything and I will be saved by the pain that they can cause. I feel a bit humbled by the fact that this is written in the bible somewhere. This is not an ideal world but I wish I could feel complete here.

Something is missing.

I haven't been to the charity shop at all this week. That means I have been away for two weeks. I do not think I will go back though. This week I didn't phone in and explain my absence because I find this so stressful from all the years of having to phone in sick at hairdressing jobs and being given a guilt trip. The shop hasn't even phoned me to see how I am. For all they know I could be dead. I find this strange but at least I know that they are surviving with out me. My thyroid I think is playing up. I have no idea whether it is low or high. All I know is I can feel that it is not normal. Last blood test showed that it was low but with out treatment we are hoping it will get back to normal. It is I repeat clearly not that. I haven't had a period this month of yet and have gone past the longest cycle I have ever had. I have done two pregnancy tests and both are negative but painfully to my pocket if there is still a no show next week I will have to test again. This is what I detest about irregular periods. It highly unlikely that I could fall pregnant with the relatively unactive sex life I have and because of the tablets I take as well as the thyroid problems. Plus Peter is a very good catholic boy and as far as contraception goes he doesn't use what the doctors give out but he uses what most catholics use when they do not want children. It works very well for him. A trivial fact, although the withdrawal method is frowned upon in the medical profession and a means of contraception it is in fact quite effective. When used correctly it only results in pregnancy every five years. I haven't used contraception myself for over five years so can vouch for that.

I wouldn't mind being pregnant but know that alot of changes would have to occur. I will have to stop smoking and come off the bipolar medication. Both things will turn me insane. So I have no doubt that I will be psychotic while pregnant but I am hoping that I will not be a danger to myself or in danger and not have to go into hospital. I am hoping that God will grant me a happy psychotic experience rather than a traumatic one. I wonder if this is possible. Like a having a good acid trip. Last hospital experience I found the visual hallucinations quite entertaining. I liked them, they mad me laugh like a mad woman and it could be so much phone. There were bad times too and can't forget the other side of the coin. So Father grant me a wonderful pregnancy when I have one. Grant that I do not have to go through anything to horrific or painful.